To be powerful in my femininity, not in spite of it...
I felt so puzzled by the idea of ‘feminine’.
On the one hand, I wore high heels and red lipstick almost 24/7. People commented on how ‘feminine’ I was.
But I always felt tremendous pressure to do things ‘like a man’ to be taken seriously or have success.
My sensuality/sexuality felt more like a tool to leverage with men rather\ than something to enjoy.
Consciously or not, I experienced my feminine qualities more as a liability than anything else.
I found myself drinking a bottle of wine a night just to feel that I could get through the next day.
Seemingly out of no where, disturbing memories from my childhood started to flood back into my consciousness through flashbacks and dreams. I began to recall trauma from almost two decades before.
I got fired from my long term, swanky bartending job.
And then after a drunken, screaming match with my boyfriend got violent and out of control, I found myself stranded and alone in the middle of a sub-zero Canadian night.
I needed help but didn’t know what kind, or how or from who.
What I did know that was my love life, how I made money and my priorities needed to change.
Confused, ashamed, feeling like a failure, I knew I wanted/needed to heal and I bought a one-way ticket to India.
At a Tantra school in the Himalayas I met a woman who would eventually become my guide for many years: my first introduction to an embodied, sensual, successful woman.
I thought she was in her early 30’s but discovered later she was almost 50.
I, in contrast, was 23 but looked 30.
My hair was bleach blonde and I always had a full face of make up on. I was drowning in the feeling that there was something wrong with me; that I wanted to hide my true self from the world.
Standing next to this beautiful woman, there was no question how different we were.
She was in full embrace of her femininity. She was powerful in her femininity and not in spite of it. She was using her embodied feminine presence to teach and perform all over the world; have a stable, loving relationship; and a thriving yoga school.
I studied under this woman for many years and today, it’s my honor to share the the wisdom of the body, of femininity and sensuality.