*This post contains information related to sexual abuse and assault and may be triggering for some.
It’s often difficult to describe my work because
a) there not much frame of reference for people to contextualize it, and
b) I work in an area that is highly charged for almost everyone. We all have a story around sex that is deeply personal and complex.
I work with women to repair their relationship with pleasure and sexuality so that they can live full, rich lives.
In many ways, I'm a wounded healer.
I never made a decision to do the work I do - it arose organically as I made the journey inward to heal myself.
This work found me.
When I was 20, a conversation where a woman shared her sexual abuse story triggered a violent physical reaction in me.
Later on, I had recurring flashbacks and freeze frames of bizarre moments in my childhood, coupled with an intense feeling of nausea.
Before this time, I was sure I had had the perfect childhood. Until the age 20, that was my absolute truth.
But this dark, sinking heaviness began to erode that truth.
And why did I have so few memories before the age of 10 or 11? The few memories I did have felt more like a movie clip than something I had actually experienced.
So I told myself I was making it up. It was my imagination.
The more I pushed my knowing down, down down, the more intensely I sabotaged my life and my relationship to everything good in it.
And wasn’t it strange that I was so emotionally detached to sex (and thought that was a good thing)
but I hated affection and being touched?
Massages, foot rubs, hand holding: any non-sexual physical closeness repelled me. (I thought this made me strong.)
This 20 year old girl didn’t know pleasure or joy because she was frozen in trauma.
To her, pleasure was numbing. Pleasure was escape. Pleasure was overriding the already-broken responses of her body that were saying ‘Wait a second. This actually doesn’t feel good’ because she couldn’t remember what ‘good’ actually felt like.
She didn’t have a clue about the preciousness of her body and how it could and eventually would, feel like a safe place instead of an uncomfortable, numb and sometimes painful inconvenience.
I share this story because every single woman that I’ve spent enough time with has a story of disconnect and some kind of sexual trauma.
Every. single. woman. can recall a moment when it felt unsafe to be a woman and her pleasure/sensuality/sexuality was a terrible liability.
Whether that was assault or abuse; a confusing moment with a partner or during sex, a bad relationship, a gynecological/medical trauma;
whether it’s a moment of violence or overwhelm or powerlessness or voicelessness,
We ALL have undigested experiences around our sexuality.
Women and men.
My work is to create conditions and environments of repair and re-connection for women who have, through no fault of their own, experienced harm, or hurt or disconnect and are living in bodily disconnection.
I serve women by helping them to find trust, safety, connection in their bodies.
I guide them to a felt-sense of themselves through, and eventually beyond their disconnect
so that stuck-ness can become fluidity,
shut-down-ness can become availability,
disconnection with the body can become trust,
and numbness can become aliveness.
This goes far above and beyond a sexualized 'goddess' or Tantra or sexual empowerment movement.
This is about un-freezing ourselves, healing from the things that have hurt us and showing up to life as more of who we truly are.